Out.

Out.
N.H. Brunk

I looked at him; looked up for the first time since I’d finished speaking; the silence had gotten unbearable. This wasn’t one of the conversations that I could blame on alcohol. I couldn’t attribute the words to any outside source, this was all me.

I stepped outside myself and collected my things. I tucked my heart back into my chest and collected the photographs off the table in front of me. I neatly filed each in it’s place and placed it neatly back into my head. ‘Boy,’ I thought. I’d made quite a mess.

“Wow. I… just… don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah, I don’t know. I just want to be honest with you. I want you to know what I have to deal with every day. It’ not something I want to be. It’s not something I’d choose to make anyone else be, but unfortunately, that’s the way it is.”
“But dude… It’s just not… right,” he started to trail off as he looked away from me, out the window into the sunset filled sky.
“Dan, the only reason I said anything is because I thought you’d understand as a Christian. I don’t want to keep stuff from you; honesty is a big part of any friendship.”

Attempting to quickly zip up the four-inch pocket in my chest, I snagged the zipper and part of my heart fell out. I fiddled with the zipper for a second, then tucked it back in.

I knew, somewhere deep inside me that this was a stupid idea. I knew that just like the other people before him that I’d told, things would never be the same. How could they be? It’s not like I was coming on to him, but I did want him to understand, and tell me it would be all right. I wanted security, I wanted acceptance. I wanted to be loved.
I put my head in my hands and sighed.
“This changes a lot, doesn’t it?” My rhetorical question echoed.
“Nah, I mean… you’re a great guy, but you’ve got to figure this out man. How can you live like that? Are you sure this is what you want to be?”
That was it. That’s what I’d heard so many times before. ‘You have to figure this out.’ Who the fuck made it my decision? Why hadn’t I been informed? I wanted to scream at him, scream at God, scream at anyone that was a nearby. I looked at him with disbelief; my eyes wide, lips trembling but failing to make a sound. I thought I knew him better than this.

I couldn’t keep it in. My heart started throbbing uncontrollably. The zipper tore away from my chest and my heart leapt out onto the table. Clenching my chest, my tears came.

“Don’t fucking cry,” I mumbled under my breath to myself, but it was too late. A solitary tear slipped down the left side of my cheek, leaving a damp trail behind it. I quickly looked at the ground. No one wants to be caught in that moment. You’ve laid it all out on the table. You’re looking for support from someone that isn’t keen on giving it. You think you know a person, but something questions that feeling and now you’re not so sure.
I thought I knew him. I thought he loved me as a friend; that he cared about my feelings, my spiritual well being. I thought that every once in a while I randomly crossed his mind. I must have been mistaken.
“Danny…?” I quietly looked into his eyes and spoke. I was looking for something, anything in his eyes to say, “It’s okay.” I didn’t want to believe the same thing had happened again.
His gaze said it all. The uneasy blank stare I got said it wasn’t going to work out. We were finished. I rose to my feet quickly to go to the door, grabbed my coat, keys, and turned the handle. The tears came easier now than they ever had in the last ten years. I was a mess.
I felt a hand clench my shoulder. “Nate… come ’ere.” Dan’s hand firmly gripped my shoulder as I tried to shrug it off. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I was the only one who knew how I felt in that moment.

“Oh. God, no,” I thought to myself. I left my heart on the table. I rushed over to collect it, putting my hand over the gaping hole left in my chest. I picked it up; it fought me wildly, leaving me unprotected, vulnerable.

Danny’s hand stayed firm on my shoulder and I paused, leaning my head against the door, sobbing. I took a breath and turned around quickly.
“What?” I said, unintentionally too loud, trying to focus on him through the tears.
“Hey,” he paused and looked me dead in the eye, “I’m sorry.” He pulled me in close for a hug; his arms crossed my back and he hugged me tight. “You know I’m there for you no matter what.”

I hesitantly hugged back, but didn’t say anything.

“We’ll talk more later, alright bud?” he questioned.
I nodded, wiping my tears away from my face. “Thanks,” I mumbled. I hugged him back, knowing I had judged him too quickly.
“No problem, man, have a good night.” Dan reached behind me and opened the door, allowing me to pass. I felt the pat of his hand on my back, a reassuring sense of his commitment to be there for me.
I walked outside into the cool night air. The world looked different. Street lamps had a deeper glow and the pavement looked soft beneath them. Things would be different, for sure, but at least I knew my best friend was still on my side. As I walked, I prayed silently, taking in the night’s sights and sounds.

My heart was back to its normal pace and the tear around the zipper was already healing.

I held my head confidently and looked back toward Dan’s house as I walked away. “Thank you,” I whispered and continued on my way.